Getting back on the horse
Why I've rejoined the TikTok circus after a 6 month break
Over the past 2 days, I’ve been back posting #chattygrwm on my reactivated TikTok account.
If you’d asked me a week ago if I’d be back here after I decided I needed to deactivate my account back in January, I’d have laughed; my intention had been to eventually delete the account and assess whether I could be successful as an indie author without social media marketing.
So, why on earth am I back on the horse, in the circus of TikTok, posting chatty little vlogs again.
The short answer is I missed the connection and fun.
The double edged sword of social media as a chronically ill midlife mum and indie author
As I said in my posts about my reasons for deactivating my social media in January, there is a difficult line to tread with these forms of online engagement when chronically ill.
On the one hand, they are a vital lifeline when we are mostly alone, being in pain and unwell, at home.
On the other hand, creating content, being exposed to the noise of all the other negative elements of social media, and falling into doom scroll comparisonitis can be corrosive.
I am very glad that I took some time away - that I recognised when my chronic online scrolling was not fostering the types of positive connections that I wanted.
I feel the almost 6 months away gave me crucial perspective about what the purpose of social media has for me - as a chronically ill person, but also as an indie author.
I feel that I may also have found a way to reengage with social media - including TikTok - that allows me to have some of the social connection and fun I have missed, while also more effectively building what looks like an author platform.
Let’s get - unapologetically - visible and talk about our stories
Where does a #chattygrwm fit into this then?
This form of content allows me to chat more authentically as the indie author I am with less overthinking and editing. While getting ready, I can chat to people about my writing, my stories, my forthcoming book.
Short chatty videos allow people get to know me a little bit. These formats also allows me to link to items and utilise the (again, double-edged sword) opportunity of TikTok shop.
I don’t want to spend hours on social media content - that will use up all my energies and I need most of those for writing while being a mum battling chronic illness.
I don’t want to overthink the content and get lost in the scroll/check cycle - again not a great use of time or energy.
I’m not necessarily going to post daily and I’m not necessarily going to use trending audio etc - but I might.
The break I took, the perspective gained from it, and the return with more clarity and renewed ambition as a result has made me realise that my previous content was not feeling great because I was almost always by default apologising or over-explaining why I was making it.
Why? From the sense of unease in selling - my books or other things I found useful.
Again, why? If any of us are to let people know what we can offer - be that books or information or entertainment - we have to tell them.
I have to get over this in order to have fun in these spaces and focus on those positive connections.
Confidence waxes and wanes and we are allowed to respond to that
I had lost a lot of confidence in myself in not having my book published last year as I had hoped.
In hindsight, I can see how corrosive this was - and how that bleed into the kinds of content I was posting online. It reflected that loss of confidence - the justifying how I was trying really hard to earn and side-hustle and make up for not having finished my book and still being ill.
That internalised - and by other people vocalised - ableism eats away and it’s hard to see how much it is affecting us when in it.
As I said earlier in this post, I’m glad I was able to recognise that I needed to take a step away and regain that sense of self again and stop apologising for it taking the time it is taking to publish my book. It was time to refocus on all the things I am doing well in spite of being in constant pain and battling fatigue and the debilitating effects of having stage 4 endometriosis in my bowel and bladder.
Just shy of six months is not a long time, but it has been long enough for me to recalibrate and feel good enough in myself and in my writing to share it again.
This sharing this time around has felt freer, easier, more aligned, and positively connecting with the people who have missed, or have discovered, what I am writing and how I am sharing that.
We are allowed to change our minds
My final point, is that oft-repeated, but still uncomfortable feeling when we do it - we are allowed to change our minds; to ‘go back’ on what we said; to try similar things again; to make mistakes; to take chances.
Will I leave social media again - maybe? And that’s ok.